The superpower of assertive communication
When we see the above image, it looks silly, right?
Like, obviously nobody is going to hear you when you’re yelling. They are scared.
This is an example of violent communication. Any kind of communication that provokes a sense of fight/flight/freeze in your audience. It’s core to my work with couples as well as men individually.
On the one hand, sometimes peoples’ screams make sense. E.g. imagine a baby screaming. They typically scream for a reason, they are hurt or feel ignored. This happens with couples.
On the other hand, this communication just isn’t effective in relationships. Your audience can no longer hear you.
The antidote: assertive communication (a.k.a “non violent communication”)
ONE conversation using assertive communication done well can change a relationship FOREVER. That’s not an exaggeration. Of course, the process of learning to be 100% assertive all the time is a life’s work. Spend a week with your family and you’ll find out.
This takes prep work:
You have to understand your emotions, wants, and needs surrounding a situation
Prepping for an hour and writing everything out is not abnormal, actually it should be expected, especially in the beginning
It works best if you are emotionally regulated in your parasympathetic nervous system
You must actually approach the conversation wanting the best for the other person as well. It should be a win-win result, after all.
Once you’ve gotten to this place, I’ve broken down the framework into three easy-to-remember steps with the acronym FEB (like the month): Facts, Emotions, Boundary. State the facts of the situation, express what emotions this made you feel, then ask for what you’d like done differently in the future. After this you must be open to negotiation, since of course, we always want a win-win situation here.
Facts
Emotions
Boundary
EXAMPLE 1: Partner A to partner B:
Hey, I’ve noticed a few times where I was the butt of your joke when we’re in public, including today. (FACT)
When that happens I feel embarrassed and angry, then afterwards I feel sad that my own partner would disrespect me like that. It really hurts. (EMOTIONS)
Can you please not do that going forward? (BOUNDARY/REQUEST)
EXAMPLE 2: Partner A to partner B:
So we said we were going to start splitting the washing of the dishes and that hasn’t been happening equally. (FACTS)
It feels unfair and that makes me angry. You also know that I can’t think when the kitchen is dirty and it makes me think you don’t care about me or my wellbeing, which makes me sad. It makes me want to get away from you. (EMOTIONS)
Can you make more of an effort to do your half (BOUNDARY/REQUEST)
EXAMPLE 3: With a boss (this is a professional setting, so a little less emotional)
You’ve asked me to stayh late many times over the past couple of weeks, and more than my colleagues. (FACTS)
When that happens it causes a lot of problems for me at home and makes me feel resentful at work the next day. I feel like I’m burning out. (EMOTIONS)
I can work with you to find a solution, but I can no longer work late at this frequency. (BOUNDARY/REQUEST)
EXAMPLE 4: With a boss
I noticed I’ve been getting fewer assignments than some of my colleagues recently. (FACTS)
I’m confused because my work has performed well according to the numbers and verbal praise. So I’m anxious because I don’t know what I did or if it’s personal? It’s now hard for me to focus on anything (EMOTIONS)
Can you help me understand what is going on in order to make the appropriate changes? (BOUNDARY/REQUEST)