Is Patriarchal Conditioning the Source of Avoidant Attachment?
As David Foster Wallace masterfully illustrated in “This Is Water”, fish are not aware that they are swimming in water and “the most obvious and important realities are often the most difficult to see and talk about”1. The same is true of patriarchal conditioning - men must make a continuous and intentional effort to both be aware of and counteract some of the conditioning they are swimming in. Why counteract? Because much of patriarchal conditioning is anti-relational. And when you come to see that life is entirely relational - at work, at home, in love, in parenting, and with oneself - well, being anti-relational is a bad strategy. Pair that with avoidant attachment, and you have a rather paralyzing cocktail.
Men in the United States are struggling in relationships. One in five single men say they have no close friends2. Men are the loneliest they’ve been in generations3. Men are now more likely to be unpartnered than women and are staying single for longer4. From 2000-2018, one in three US men reported having no sexual activity in the past year5. Men make up 49% of the population in the US, yet nearly 80% of suicides6. The statistics are staggeringly clear, and they are unsurprising when you look at what the extremes of what patriarchal conditioning tells us. Some of the primary values of hegemonic masculinity are: extreme autonomy (e.g. lone wolf), emotional stoicism/repression, domination, grandiosity, hypercompetition, aggression, homosociality, and hypersexuality7. Sure, this might prepare you well for war, sports, and some forms of business, but it’s not exactly the recipe for connection.
Overlap this with an avoidant attachment adaptation and whew, you’re in for a rough ride of fighting against macro systems of social conditioning and micro realities of psychobiology. From my review of the literature, the research on the question of which gender is more frequently avoidantly attached has varied results. However, this Italian study presents a less binaried result which is helpful, indicating that regardless of gender, those identifying with more masculine traits presented with more avoidant attachment.8 Now let’s look at some of the symptoms of avoidant attachment: hyper-autonomy, avoid emotional closeness in relationships, suppress emotions, withdraw and cope with difficult situations alone, having feelings of high self-esteem while having a negative view of others (grandiosity)9. Now this begs the question: is avoidant attachment actually a product of patriarchal conditioning?
So what’s the solution? Integration. Everything patriarchy has feminized and deemed “weak”, we need to integrate in order to become whole and connected, to ourselves and to others. Thus emotionality, connection, joy, showing up for one another, asking for help, collaborating, admitting when we’re wrong, platonic relationships with women - these are all vital elements of intimacy, secure attachment, and a healthy ecosystem - whether that’s an individual, a couple, a family, a team, a company, a country, or a planet. Without these elements we fail, we lose. And I don’t just mean men…
The approach should be micro and macro. On an individual micro level, men can first become aware of their conditioning. They can find a therapist, coach, or mentor that is invested in providing them a corrective emotional experience and secure attachment. Additionally, men’s groups are proliferating where men can lean on other men and have group healing experiences. For those who are avoidantly attached and might have been avoiding real intimacy in favor of serial dating or sex, committing to a romantic relationship can be a powerful path towards healing.
On a macro level, we’re fighting millenia of conditioning that prepared men for war and extractive business. Is that useful in a dying planet, or do we need the opposite? The opposite might be media that heroizes relational men: that means childrens books, toys, action figures, TV shows, and movies that portray men as whole and dynamic, both decisive and strong, while also considerate and compassionate. We need early schooling that is more relational: emotional regulation classes, collaborative projects, sex education that teaches about connection and consent. And finally, we need leadership in politics, business, and religious institutions that models all of these traits as integral to a more modern and sustainable masculine ideal.
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